Weaver's Week 2023-08-13

Revision as of 10:09, 13 August 2023

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In French, «chat-g-p-t» is pronounced in exactly the same way as «chat, j'ai pété», which means «cat, I farted».

That's a true fact, and we know it because we a) saw it written by a human and 2) researched it in a good dictionary.

But what guff comes out of these autocomplete machines? Are they any good at quiz and game shows? Over the next two weeks, we'll find out.

Can Artificial Intelligence win a game show yet?

Over the past year, there's been an awful lot of hype about "artificial intelligence", computer programs that try to complete your sentences for you. Some of the best can write whole passages of text. There are concerns about the technology – writers in Hollywood are on strike because they want all the words handwritten by humans, and no scripts touched by computer.

This column is not impressed by these AI chatbots; we have enough mathematics to understand a probabilistic Markov chain, and however excellent the mathematics, it's only as good as the words it's been trained on. And, seeing as how UKGameshows in general – and this column in particular – is a net contributor to these autocomplete bots, we suspect they're not as good as they're made out to be. When you put garbage into a system (for instance, 22½ years of this column), you'll get garbage out.

We start with an Only Connect wall they published in the Radio Times a few months ago. If we're to believe the hype, an autocomplete bot will be able to solve one without breaking sweat. Or whatever bots do when they're exhausted.

The answers we're expecting:
gown, frock, smock, chemise – clothing
quarterback, guard, snapper, punter – American football positions
pinafore, penzance, jury, ida – words from Gilbert & Sullivan titles
safety, tennis, butterfly, fishing – nets

Ah, we see where the bot has gone wrong. It doesn't know about Gilbert and Sullivan, their work is not on its little list. That's put "Pinafore" in the clothing group, and hasn't identified the link with "Penzance". One simple oversight, and the bot's scored one point – right to say "clothing" is a group.

We did learn that there is a place called Mount Ida in Turkey, known to the Trojans as Rethymnon.

An easier Only Connect

Hmm. Maybe a genuine, rigorous, hand-crafted Only Connect wall is too difficult. Let's try that knock-off from the New York Times.

The answers we're expecting:

Mouth, nose, eye, cheek – parts of the face
Wolf, chow, scarf, gobble – to eat quickly
Peke, pit, lab, pom – shortened dogs' names. "Chow" is a red herring for this group.
Tenor, amigo, king, stooge – famous Threes

The autocomplete bot got the face, but then got hopelessly distracted. We also note how the weak links ("pom" just here, "frock" in the last wall) get long and detailed explanations, as though we're going to believe something because the bot has explained it forever.

What would Jeremy Paxman say?

Oh dear. Shall we try something a bit easier: long questions like on University Challenge. These are real questions, from the first round in last year's series.

Ooh, good answer. She was in a coma for 37 years, after being given far too much anaesthetic.

Well, that's impressive. The autocomplete bot has got all seven general knowledge questions right.

Teatime teaser – completed with a biccie?

We thought about a round of Crosswits, but found James Williams has already invited an autocomplete bot to solve cryptic crosswords. The results were not promising.

Let's try something a bit more sedate, a quick game of Countdown. These are genuine selections from an episode in 2016.

Dan Walker in Dictionary Corner? "No, 'outcried' is not in the dictionary. And it's only an eight, not a nine. CROWDIE and COURTED the ones we've got."

"No, you've used the I twice, and it's ten letters long. UNLEASH and INHALES from us"

"You're taking the push now, aren't you. There is a nine there, ARGONAUTS, but no ten-letter word from that selection of nine letters."

Shall we try a numbers game.

Rachel Riley is sympathetic at the numbers board: should have ended +6 +1. It's quite clear that the autocomplete bot is not very good at arithmetic – it can't count, and can't do a fairly easy numbers game.

Let's try an insultingly simple example.

Colin Murray smashes up the set and shouts at the autocomplete bot. "You are thick! Thicker than mints! Thicker than custard! Thicker than my toast in the morning! You are so thick you should go on Wheel of Fortune, that's how thick you are!"

Next week, the autocomplete bot goes on Wheel of Fortune.

In other news

We mentioned earlier that television writers – and performers – in the US are on strike for better pay, proper health insurance, a fair share of streaming revenue, reasonable writing rooms, and a general rejection on producers using of artificial intelligence. Autocomplete bots will not write their scripts!

The strike has shut down production of drama, both because nobody's writing the scripts and because the actors have also walked out. Television networks have commissioned more game shows, which is great news for fans of unscripted television like Press Your Luck, The Apprentice, and Even Bigger Brother Because We've Literally Got Nothing Else To Show.

The strike also affects quiz writers, none more so than on 61-answer-a-day behemoth Jeopardy!. The quiz, which begins its 40th "season" next month, will reuse questions from its extensive database. Time to swot up on the geography of Eastern Europe, slang from Bebo and Compuserv, and the first cabinet of Kim Campbell. Jeopardy! wants to begin its new run with a "Second Chance Tournament"; most of the participants in the annual Championship of Champions declined to take part while the writers are on strike. Except, they are having trouble finding people who lost in recent years and still want to appear to break the strike.

Strictly Klaxon has sounded all week, until we got the complete list. The rest of them are:

• Eddie Kadi, Radio 1xtra presenter
• Angela Scanlon, television presenter (Off the Rails, BBC3 documentaries, Robot Wars)
• Zara McDermott, television irregular (Love Island, Love in the Flesh)
• Adam Thomas, actor (Adam Barton on Emmerdale Farm)
• Nikita Kanda, from BBC Asian Network radio and The One Show
• Ellie Leach, actor (Faye Windass on Coronation Street)
• Jody Cundy, swimmer and cyclist
• Bobby Brazier, actor (Freddie Slater on The Eastenders) and model and son of Jade Goody
• Annabel Croft, tennis player (and friend of Interceptor)
• Nigel Harman, actor (Dennis Rickman on The Eastenders)
• Sir Les Dennis, legend

Introduction show is, we think, on 16 September, with performances soon after.

Quizzy Monday

The Five Point Klaxon sounded on Only Connect as the Thrifters beat the Suncatchers by a single point. It all kicked off in the Sequence round: Suncatchers picked three on words beginning with abbreviations for months, Thrifters equalised with head writers for Dr Who. Suncatchers bagged three with substitute Eurovision hosts, Thrifters had to go for five on American presidents who served bits of terms. That five pointer echoed through the game, as there was nothing to choose between the two teams.

Hmm. We're four games in and already there are five teams good enough for our semi-final bracket.

On University Challenge, Christ Church Oxford beat Southampton by 180-155. Southampton had the better of early questions, scoring well on John Maddox prize winners. CCO kept themselves in the contest, and pushed ahead with things named after Queen Anne Stewart and overseas departments of France. Southampton left themselves just a bit too much to do, even if they'd won the buzzer race for definitions of "greenwashing".

Quiz digest

• Subbuteo is named after a type of falcon – specifically the Eurasian hobby. The game's creator, Peter Adolph, wanted to call it "hobby", but he was not allowed to trademark such a common word.
• A horse will never burp through the mouth. Its muscles open for food to pass through, then close tight afterwards, so no gases from the stomach can escape through the mouth. Instead, gases and liquid can accumulate in the stomach and cause pain and colic. Horses can hiccup, as that's controlled by the diaphragm.
• MARGATE is a valid Countdown word. It's a type of fish, found in the western Atlantic. Of other ports in the area, SANDWICH and RYE are valid, DOVER is not. ROMNEY is good as a breed of sheep, and only the most unintelligent player would offer WINCHELSEA.
• Autocomplete bots can count to two. At least, that's the sign it's making.

Two long-established shows return this week: BBC Brain (Radio 4, Mon) and Come Dine with Me (C4, weekdays). Elsewhere, Through the Keyhole returns to the Challenge channel, and on Pointless Lucy Porter regenerates into Gyles Brandreth.

Pictures: @larrythecat@twitter.com, Parasol / RDF West, STV Studios, Granada, Yorkshire TV, Bandicoot.

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