Dom & Kirk's Night O' Plenty (Dart In The Head)
Dominik Diamond and Kirk Ewing
Eunice Huthart (14 May 1996, stand-in for Ewing)
Paramount Comedy Channel, 1996 (?)
Bullseye for dummies
Made during the height of Brit- and lad-culture, Night O Plenty was a late-night throwaway magazine programme hosted by Dominik Diamond and Kirk Ewing, discussing such hot topics as football, risque showbiz gossip, and of course, "totty". At the climax of each show would be a phone-in competition called Dart In The Head, introduced by a title card designed by Leigh 'Bo Selecta' Francis incidentally. Two people would phone in and be asked three patronisingly simple questions. After each correct answer, the given evening's totty (usually a "glamour" model of no description) would throw a dart at a board, and whoever has the most points after three questions each wins a goodie bag. What could be simpler?
Mash and Peas
This show would have been (rightly) relegated to the televisual dustbins, had it not been for one fateful May evening in 1996 when Diamond and guest presenter Eunice Huthart (fresh from her victory in Gladiators, but long before the movie work) spent an evening with fellow Paramount Comedy stars Mash and Peas, otherwise known as Matt Lucas and David Walliams respectively. Normally this slot would be filled by "totty", hence the name the 'Totty Slotty', but Diamond agreed to host Mash and Peas in the 'Notty Totty Slotty', as he had counted Walliams as one of his best friends. The 15 minutes they spent together were not only the funniest thing to ever happen on the show by far, but led to the unceremonious end of the friendship between the duo and Diamond.
The short version of events is as follows: Mash and Peas come out, refuse to sit down, instead preferring to sing the chorus of Hello, Hello, I'm Back Again by Gary Glitter, answer an innuendo-laden question from Eunice with "hur hur, she means our willies!", answer every other question with "don't know", suggest Diamond was sacked from Gamesmaster (actually he left in protest to the McDonalds sponsorship in series 3) and is mentally challenged, discuss Richard and Judy's OJ Simpson interview, and then go on to play Dart In The Head.
At the oche, Peas (Walliams) throws a dart a little too close to Diamond's head for comfort - not once, but twice, leading to the first of many of that evening's threats of violence towards Walliams. Needless to say things take a turn for the worse from here on in. Mash and Peas frequently express their boredom at the proceedings, while contestants Mavis and Rita ("ah it's like Coronation Street!") try to answer Diamond's banal, unfunny and, at worst, misogynistic questions. Mash and Peas repeatedly shout the wrong answer, which rather astonishingly managed to put off the two callers on all but two occasions. Either that or they were just a bit thick. Well, it was Paramount Comedy circa 1996 after all... Anyway, on the two occasions they answered correctly, Mash and Peas each threw a dart. Neither even tried to hit the board. Final score - nil-nil. No prizes awarded. Peas tries to get his hand on Dominik's bum, and the credits roll. But that's far from the end of the story.
After the show, Diamond had Lucas pinned to a wall by his throat. His actual words are unrepeatable on a family website, but it was words to the effect of "how dare you ruin my show on live TV, I'm going to kill you". After a security guard and Walliams pulled Diamond away, he never spoke to the duo again. Lucas and Williams went on to make a programme called Little Britain, which was picked up by BBC One and HBO in America and is now rumoured to become a film. Diamond hosts a show on local talk radio in Edinburgh. Eunice is a Hollywood stuntwoman. Funny how things work out, isn't it?
To her credit, Huthart seemed to take it all in good nature, certainly more so than Diamond did at any point during the evening.
Warning: these clips contain strong language and offensive material
A correspondent who identifies himself as "Dymmy" says:
- It wasn't a security guard, it was me, the floor assistant, who pulled them apart. Diamond had Walliams cornered in the toilet, Lucas was throwing punches at Diamond, knocked his glasses for six and managed to land a hefty left hooker on my head. It's my favourite celebrity moment and to be fair to Mash and Peas they stood up well to the Diamond onslaught. Matt Lucas has an incredible punch, it still makes me laugh to this day that the only bloke to sucessfully hit me in the head is 'the only gay in the village'. I think that makes me a wimp 'officially'.
Overuse of the comedy word "totty", which for our overseas readers is slang for a pretty lady.
Dominik Diamond and Kirk Ewing, possibly with assistance from producer Hester Davies and executive producer Myfanwy Moore, who went on to produce Lucas and Walliams' Rock Profile and Little Britain.
Kirk Ewing had previously worked as a commentator on the 1995 series of Gamesmaster, hosted by Dominik Diamond. These roles were reprised in the 1998 series.