Weaver's Week 2009-08-09

Brooker had already been writing a weekly column on television for The Guardian newspaper, and has since added a second column on other matters. TV Go Home was effectively killed as reality television formats got more bizarre (Brooker's said that Touch the Truck was even more bonkers than anything he could come up with). He's made four series of telly review show Screenwipe for BBC4; and one run of Newswipe, a show reviewing television presentation of the news. There's been Dead Set, a screenplay about how the Big Brother house would react if zombies took over the world, and appearances on HIGNFY and 8 Out of 10 Cats.

Anyway, Brooker's spent the summer making a weekly television show about television. The format of You Have Been Watching is simple: three celebs and Brooker laughing at and picking over the bones of some truly banal television. The celebrity booking isn't tremendously inventive: very few of the panelists would be out of place on HIGNFY, 10 Cats, or any of the zillion other celebrity panel games. Targets for criticism have included BBC1's The One Show (renamed The Nod Show after the number of times people nod during it), and Torchwood (a drama. Starring John Barrowman, the first television presenter ever to be upstaged by a disembodied computer-generated cat's head). Also in for a ritual beating is ITV's The Jeremy Kyle Show, a morbid and depressing display of dysfunctional people whose lives are in turmoil, according to that well-known home for television critics the High Court.

The show just passes under this column's purview by included a token quiz: towards the end of each segment, Brooker will ask some questions of his panel, and award points for correct responses. Really, this is just a way for him to include some cheesy game show music, and attract the attention of people who wouldn't normally have bothered with the show. Like, for instance, this column.

For our money, the highlight of You Have Been Watching is the international television segment. Scenes of Jamie Oliver competing on Iron Chef (the child of Ready Steady Cook and Gladiators). And scenes from Deadliest Warrior, a wargaming simulation that isn't quite Time Commanders but does pose questions of our age. You know the IRA? And you know the Taliban? Well, which of them is harder? There's only one way to find out.... and they really do have a computer-generated fight.

Earlier in the year, Brooker's Newswipe included a piece by Adam Curtis, in which he suggested that television no longer bothered to explain difficult political phenomena. The news had simply become a procession of distressing images and bad people doing bad things to innocent victims. All the viewer could do was say, "Oh dear". We reckon that the other anticipated response is for the viewer to get angry at the apparent perpetrators of these abuses, and then because the real culprits are too difficult to remove, direct that anger against more obvious scapegoats. It's a button regularly pushed by certain elements in the populist press. We wonder if Brooker's doing something similar, asking his audience to get angry against the people who commission and air such rubbish television while himself benefitting from its existence.

Two teams of three celebrities have gathered. These are people slightly more at home on primetime BBC1 – there's usually someone from one of the BBC's shows, a comedian, and sometimes a television legend such as Television Legend John Craven. They're captained by Jason Manford and Fern Britton, and the sides are referred to throughout as "Team Jason" and "Team Fern". Were the producers trying to save on paint and couldn't afford a single possessive apostrophe?

Steve Jones is the host, and – apparently – he is attempting to be funny. We're not getting it. The rounds are also very predictable: "Thingie Off the Telly" asks the panel to identify someone who was once famous for a televised role, there's a segment in which a human beat-box performs classic television tunes, and another where the host flashes bits of costume like in A Question of Sport's mystery guest round. There's a What Happened Next bit, huge amounts of cross-promotion for other BBC shows, and the almost inevitable Name That Year round. Do the panel remember that long-lost far-away year of 2008, a whole eight months ago?

The net result is a vapid and insubstantial show, one that would happily ask its contestants to remember the name of the winner of The X Factor in 2004 and wonder whatever happened to him, he was really good. It's not like a Danny Baker programme, where we'd be expected to mine the deep recesses of our nostalgic brains – As Seen on TV barely scratches the surface. For instance, it may surprise viewers to learn that Dr Who actually began before 2005. On the two episodes we've watched, even Television Legend John Craven, the Lovely Danny Wallace, and top bingo manager Sally Lindsay couldn't stop us from concluding we weren't going to get those half-hours back. Oh dear.

Someone might indicate that the audience doesn't need to clap after every correct answer, otherwise we'll never get anywhere. Nottingham deserve some applause after identifying the ramblings of Sr. Berlusconi, the taxdodger turned prime minister. The first visual round is Name That Rugbyman, specifically British and Irish Lions captains, and it allows Nottingham to eke out a 45-30 lead.

After the last couple of weeks, anything much short of perfection on the bonuses will look a bit bad. The second stanza, in particular, is not a particularly good one, with questions dropped all over the place – a round on former names for diseases has Girton twice zigging when they should have zagged. Nottingham pick up the audio round – Name That Bird from the top ten charts, warble-pickers, and it gives Nottingham an 80-75 lead.

Erm, sorry about that, we'll really have to stop writing like a cross between Charlie Brooker and Marcus Brigstocke. Where were we? Carol Ann Duffy! Yes. Poets Laureate form the second visual round, ensure that everyone's got a starter, and Nottingham's lead is up to 140-100.

Thumper says that he expected Nottingham to do a little better than that, and Girton were a bit diffident. Sam Dodgin was best on the buzzers for Nottingham, he had three starters and no missignals. The side made 14/26 bonuses with three incorrect interruptions. For Girton, Allanah Brown-Kerr and Christopher Cameron had four starters; the side made 12/36 bonuses.

Next match: Edinburgh v Central Lancashire

Charity start us off, and pick up a point on peals of bells. Chessmen pick up two on a question about tied sporting events; being a Ryder Cup nerd, one of the people we watch this show with claimed the full five. Charity were just out of time on the audio round, allowing Chessmen to pick up a bonus: they were the first records on television and radio stations. Their next question is appropriately self-referential: they're all Greek letters. Charity pick up a point on milliners, including Miss Lovelace from Chigley. Chessmen have the picture round, people named after fish; they don't recognise Jeremy Halibut. The Chessmen have a lead, 6-2.

What's on fourth? Charity start with the second names of US presidents, and the conversation turns to Victoria's suggestion that the Chuckle Brothers should be prime minister. People of Northern Ireland, how did the Gerry Adams / Ian Paisley first ministry catch you? Two to the Chessmen on musical accidentals, and a bonus on the pH values of various liquids. Never knew tomato juice was so acidic. It's an education, this show. The Chessmen get two on endangered species, and a bonus on the power structure of "1984"; one of the Charity Puzzlers muttered it after one clue. Chessmen take Archbishops of Canterbury, and the lead is an impressive 15-5.

Charity have a lot of Muppets in their grid, but start by trying to find sorts of haircut. Then they head off down the area of sporting trophies. Finally, the Muppets come out, and the haircuts finally arrive. They've just enough time to randomly jab for the sporting cups, but miss that by including "Davis" – the cups are in rugby, and Davis is amongst a group of jazz trumpeters. Six points put the Chessmen ahead 25-11.

We're clearly playing for the honour in Mssng Vls. Hors d'oeuvres should, of course, be placed on the Saturday Night Armistice hors d'oeuvres tree, and that's 4-0 to the Chessmen. Paintings sold at record prices is a 1-1 draw, and Scottish musicians 2-1 to the Chessmen. Imperial measurements goes 3-1 to the Chessmen, and the one question in Oscar-winning animated films goes to the Chessmen. They've won by a rugby score, 36-14. Oh, that's their next opponents.

Next match: Mathematicians v Cambridge Quiz Society